Elon Musk Sues Mark Zuckerberg For Being Better At Profiting Off Someone Else’s Idea
Female Employee Who Looks Unwell Asked If She’d Like To Go Home And Put On Makeup
Old Man’s Son Also Old Man
David’s Bridal Introduces New Line Of Whore-Red Dresses For Wicked, Impure Divorcées’ Shameful Second Weddings
Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License
U.S. Military Heightens Security After Another Group Of Precocious Children Sneaks Onto Base To Save Alien Friend
Woman Mentally Rearranging Rankings Of Children While Opening Mother’s Day Gifts
College Roommates To Continue Bonding Process Until Real Friends Made
NYC Park Officials Finally Get Around To Replacing Dead Light Bulbs In Statue Of Liberty’s Eyes
Researchers Find Decline In Facebook Use Could Be Directly Linked To Desire To Be Happy, Fully-Functioning Person
Woman Unsure If She Turned Off Stove Finally Makes Peace With Possibly Killing Everyone In Building
New Evidence Suggests Humans May Have Been Dipping Crunchy Things Into Gooey Things Earlier Than Previously Thought
FBI Deputy Director Touched By Heavily Redacted Farewell Card From Bureau Coworkers
Papa John’s Removes N-Word From Menus
Pentagon Officials Listen In Silence As Mike Pence Details Plans For Angel-Guided Defense Weapons System
Every American Exchanged For Iranian Population In First Successful Citizen Swap Deal
Officials Investigating Hugh Hefner’s Death Suspect Foreplay
White House Hires Top Hollywood Agent To Pitch Action-Packed, High-Concept War With Iran To American Public
Alcohol Goes Right Back To Abuser Every Time
Report Reveals Jesus Christ May Have Benefited From Father’s Influential Position To Gain High-Powered Role As Lord And Savior
Excited Patient Points Out Organ He Wants From Kidney Tank In Hospital Lobby
Large Mirror Brought Out On Academy Awards Stage Gets Resounding 5-Minute Standing Ovation
Leonardo DiCaprio Nervous About Telling New Girlfriend He’s A Virgin
TJ Maxx Recreates In-Store Shopping Experience With New Website That Randomly Scatters Products All Over The Place
Woman Mentally Rifles Through Friends For Perfect Person To Sympathize With Current Pettiness
Man Pretty Sure He Could Run This Company Into Ground Way Better Than Boss
Military Aides Try To Cheer Up Kim Jong Un After Failed Missile Launch By Putting On Surprise Execution
Napkinless Man With Grease-Covered Fingers Realizes He Trapped In A Prison Of His Own Creation
Nation’s Women Clarify They Harbor No Secret Desire To See Colleagues’, Acquaintances’, Strangers’ Genitals
Panic Floods Mike Pence’s System Before Realizing Hand On Knee His Own
Fox News Apologizes For Mistaking Patti LaBelle For Aretha Franklin
Single Misogynist Ready To Settle Down And Hate One Woman For Rest Of His Life
Producer Tells Actress Non-Disclosure Agreement Pretty Standard For Getting Away With Abusing His Power
We Sat Down With 10 Doctors And Asked, Is It Cancer? Oh God, It’s Cancer, Isn’t It?
Busy Schedule Forces Vladimir Putin To Move Up Election Win A Couple Days Early
Rupert Murdoch Steps Down As All-Powerful Creator Of Reality
‘Someone In This Room Tonight Will Be Murdered By An Illegal Immigrant,’ Announces Trump Just Before Lights Go Out
Sweating, Shaking Pharmaceutical Head Says He Can Stop Profiting Off Opioid Epidemic Any Time He Wants
Let’s Fuck Already! Our Horniest Issue Yet
Taylor Swift Asks That Fans Not Attack Her Exes Unless They Can Fully Commit To Finishing The Job
Bored Defense Department Bombing Empty Cans Off Fence Out Back Behind Pentagon
Woman Happy To Have Such Good Takeout Places She Can Call When Feeling Low